Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Dunes casino in Las Vegas! Give it up for yourselves for making it out on this beautiful night! I see we got some couples in the house tonight, how many of y'all are here because your significant other dragged you here? crowd cheers Yep, that's what I thought, you gotta keep them happy fellas.

Now, let me tell you something about this casino. It's huge, okay? I've been walking around for hours and I still haven't found the exit. They got a whole section dedicated to slot machines, and I don't know about y'all but I feel like those machines are rigged. You put your money in and you don't get anything back, but then the person next to you puts in a dollar and hits the jackpot! I call that "machine favoritism", and it's not right.

And let's talk about the drinks here at the Dunes. They're expensive, okay? I saw the prices and I thought I accidentally walked into a fancy restaurant. But then I tasted the drink and realized it was just a regular margarita with a fancy name. I mean, I know we're in Vegas but come on, can we get some reasonably priced drinks in here?

But you know what I love about Vegas? The people watching. There's all kinds of characters here, from the guy in the Elvis jumpsuit to the girl in the skimpy outfit trying to pass out flyers for her show. I saw a guy walking around in a full-on Chewbacca costume, and I thought to myself, "I didn't know they had Wookiees in Vegas!" But seriously, you gotta love the energy here. It's like everyone's here to have a good time and forget about their problems for a little while.

Now, I know some of y'all are here to gamble, and that's okay. But let me give you a piece of advice: don't get too greedy. I saw a guy earlier who was on a winning streak, and he just kept pushing his luck. Next thing you know, he lost it all and started crying. And I'm like, "Bro, you were up three grand ten minutes ago, why didn't you cash out and go buy yourself a steak dinner?" So yeah, don't let your greed get the best of you.

And speaking of food, the restaurants here at the Dunes are top notch. I had a steak earlier that was so good, I almost proposed to it. And I don't even swing that way! But seriously, the food here is so good, it's like they sprinkle crack on it or something. I'm addicted.

Now, I know some of y'all are here for the shows. The Dunes has got some of the best entertainment in town. I saw the Cirque du Soleil show earlier and I'm pretty sure I saw a dude levitate. And I'm like, "Okay, either that's some next-level magic or this dude's got a jetpack under his costume." But seriously, the talent here is unreal. I saw a guy do a handstand on one finger, and I can't even touch my toes without grunting.

But let's talk about the real reason we're all here tonight. Me. crowd cheers Thank you, thank you, you're too kind. But seriously, I'm here to make y'all laugh. I know some of y'all might be going through some tough times, but hopefully I can bring some joy into your life for the next hour or so.