Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Treasure Island! Or as I like to call it, the casino that's full of surprises! I mean, where else can you see pirates fighting on a ship in the middle of a casino? And don't get me started on the giant pirate head outside. I mean, what's up with that? Is it supposed to scare off the competition? Well, it's definitely scaring off my kids!

And speaking of kids, what's up with the arcade here? It's like they took all the rejects from Chuck E. Cheese and brought them over here. I mean, I saw a kid playing a game where he had to pick up fake dog poop. Really? Is that what we're doing now? Hey, let's take our kids to the casino to play with some fake poop. That'll be fun!

But don't worry, adults, they've got plenty of games for us too. I mean, have you seen the slot machines here? They've got everything from classic three-reel machines to those fancy video slots with all the bells and whistles. I mean, some of those machines are so complicated, it's like you need a PhD just to figure out how to play them. And forget about trying to hit the jackpot. I think the odds of winning the lottery are better than the odds of hitting one of those things.

And then there's the blackjack tables. Now, I don't know about you, but every time I sit down at one of those tables, I feel like I'm in a math class. I mean, I'm just trying to have a good time, but the dealer's throwing out all these numbers and I'm like, "Can I just get a drink and some chips, please?"

And speaking of drinks, let's talk about the waitresses here. I mean, they're like ninjas. You don't even see them coming, but suddenly, they're there with a tray of drinks. And they always know exactly what you want, even if you didn't know you wanted it. "Oh, you wanted a strawberry daiquiri? I could tell by the way you were holding your chips."

And then there's the food here. I mean, who needs a fancy steakhouse when you can have a buffet? And not just any buffet, but a buffet that's shaped like a pirate ship. I mean, that's just next level. And the food is pretty good too, if you don't mind feeling like you're eating in a giant playset. "Excuse me, can you pass the chicken legs? And maybe the cannonball, while you're at it?"

But if you really want to splurge, they've got this fancy restaurant called Phil's Italian Steakhouse. And let me tell you, it's worth the money. I mean, the steak is so good, it's like a party in your mouth. And the pasta? Oh my god, I think I saw an angel sing when I took a bite. But be warned, it's not cheap. I mean, you might have to mortgage your house to pay for it. But hey, at least you'll have a great meal to remember while you're living in your car.

And speaking of cars, let's talk about the parking situation here. I mean, you've got to be a ninja just to find a spot. And forget about parking close to the entrance. I think you have to bribe a valet just to get within walking distance.